Curhat Colongan

My mind now is pretty messed up. Not my life, but sooner or later I’m sure it will. Fixing a broken heart is one of the worst and hardest job I ever know. My life, I write down everything that ever happened, is happening, and will happen, actually is quite good. I have a oh-so nice family, compare to others, or my friends that complained about their families.  I have a nice skeptic dad who almost always sees the negative side of my choices, but then agrees and defends it as long as his little girl happy. He always measures my choices from the material side, the benefit that I will get, the tangible one. Well, like money. Unfortunately, almost all choices I made always give a lot of intangible benefits. Money doesn’t fancy me. Experience and networking do. I live in Indonesia, in a patriarchy world, which is most of men here still expect her wife become a house wife. Who still believe that women are meant to serve their husbands, cook for their family, taking care of house even though they are working mom too.  My dad? He supports my mom, they share those things together and teach me and my brothers that those things are everyone’s job. In this patriarchy life, where men in my family do the shopping, cooking, and cleaning too, you can call my family an anomaly. For me we’re just different, in an unique and great way.

I have a super great mom. She’s a career and super duper active woman. I can’t write down everything that she did. I got the “money doesn’t fancy me blood line” from her. She’s so damn optimist person. I learned, well still learning actually, that patience, love, great relationship, helping people without expect anything, and do every little thing wholeheartedly are the things that matter in life. No, she’s not like Mother Theresa. She did all those things in Margaret Thatcher way. The most idealist person I’ve ever known in my life. She’s kind and bold at the same time.

I have two damn great younger brothers. The older one, well he got the optimistic and money isn’t a problem blood line from my mom. He’s the most optimist children than me and the youngest one. Actually my dad succeed in passing down his little skeptic side to me. You know what? My brother is like an oasis, an answer to my questions, when everything seems so bad. His way of thinking always fancies me. He always says how he adores my brain and my academic life. He adores my “I don’t like to study but always get good grades” life. Actually I adore him more. I think in the next 10 or 20 years he can surpassed me in everything.

How about the youngest one? Well he’s so damn creative. Unlike me, he has a great talent in singing, video games, sports, dancing, and everything that related to soft skill. He’s like dad’s mini me. Even his way of thinking. You know a person that always makes a baby smiles? That’s him. You know a person that can attracts animal around him? That’s him. You know a person that always get full of love and attention from babies to elders? That’s him. He is a person who has a soft and sensitive heart. As his oldest sibling, I’m kind of sibling that always hard on him when giving some advices. My brother is on the other side, he is better than me when handling him. When the youngest one in trouble, me and the older one will share roles, I’m the playful evil sister and he is the angel brother. We love him, that much. Actually he has more experience in love and dating than his older siblings. Damn! Shame on me!

I have so damn great cousins in the world from my mom’s big family. I always confuse when my friends talk about how oh not so close they are with their cousins. Well, so does the other hand. They confuse why we can be that close. My grandpa and grandma from my mother have 12 grand children. How close are we? Well let’s say we can spend hours for playing cards, uno, singing, talking, laughing, reading comics, watching movies or everything with no gadgets. We can ask our parents’ cousins who haven’t got married and are in their 30’s or late 20’s to take us everywhere. Go to cinema, buy some comics, eat in fancy restaurant, or everything. You named it. We make a promise, one day when we all has married, we must make a gathering once or twice a year, take a short holiday, without our spouses and children.

Friends? I have great, close, but not so many friends. I keep my circle small. I love to make a new friend and new networking, but for close friends, selective is a must. When choosing friends, I always choose to show my damn bad side first. The bitchy asshole who loves to straight to the point one, whose mouth  full of sarcasm. Some say I’m a damn arrogant bitch. Some say I’m a dominant woman, kind of woman that men will not choose to be his future partner.  Some means friends, who knows a little of me. My close friends? Well trust me, they always say they surprised when they started to know me. My resting bitch face doesn’t suit my, eumm, kind, playful, wit, humorist, and fun personality. Fufufu.

Career? I’m a postgraduate student right now. I’m a head of external division in my association and trusted to handle some event organizing project, one of them is in an international level.  Lucky me. Actually, I’m the youngest one and to be trusted in this major position to handle that kind of project is really a great gift and responsibility. I’m a damn greenhorn darling. Well, even an ex-greenhorn Old Shatterhand can be a legend along with Winnetou.

Well my life is pretty good, so why the fuck my mind is messed up? And I start to think what the hell I should complain about after wrote down those things. My family isn’t rich in material, but from what I wrote above you know how rich I am. A lot of blessed and gift I haven’t listed, because Mister lazy attacked me! It’s all because a boy! Uhuk. Yowislah.

I’m fixing a broken heart here. It’s a damn hard situation. I disabled my path account, focus on my projects, focus on my talent in drawing, focus on getting fit, focus on my grades, focus on my family, focus on my spiritual life, and focus on my life. I invest in myself. This past six months my mind is pretty messed up. I chose a wrong priority. I made a person, who didn’t and maybe still doesn’t prioritize me, become my priority. Mistreated. Misused. You named it. Last Saturday I got this message, for me it’s so damn mean. I don’t know is it because of PMS made me too sensitive at that time, or what. But one thing I know, it’s a big trigger, big snap that woke me up. Nah, I don’t like to take a revenge. I don't even think about it. You can call me a saint, well even there’s always a bitch side of me. I still believe every person has a good heart and good reason for everything that they did. Everybody made a mistake. Every mistake is only just a part of a book named relationship and I don’t want to lose or burn a book because of one mistake. Any kind of relationship. The most important thing is that big trigger helped me to realize that I need to change my focus. I still believe this is a part of His big plan for me. God has a plan. I think this is the hard way to learn how to keep away the negativity from my life before it’s drowning it. A ship can always sail as long it doesn’t let the water in. Or change it into a damn submarine and screw the water!

That’s it. I feel better now. Pardon my grammar.