Remain the same

Do not ask who I am and do not ask me to remain the same

  (Michel Foucault)

Why should we remain the same? Or should we?

Achieve it

This is what I'm going to do. Everyday, every morning, I'll try to start the day with counting my blessings. Here's the funny things that happened in the past 12 hours. Remember what Paulo Coelho said that When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it?

Last night, there was a snapped moment that made me realize that I need to stop and take a break. I want to be happy and refocus on three goals, Passion, Love, and Health. I didn't know where to start, I just knew that it needed to start at the moment I had enough of all those miseries. So, there I was, sitting alone, working on my assignment while full of disappointment because of yeah a dude. No need to explain it much further. The point is when I started to give a damn about changing my life, focusing on my goals, and adjusting my vibe I feel like the universe started to give a damn about me too.

I do love surfing on internet, especially in social media. I was surfing from blog to blog, from video to video on youtube, and from photo to photo on instagram. In the last 12 hours here are the words and messages that keep coming to me: Live your dream, follow your passion, and perseverance.
How come from watching Glee's video I ended up watching "Live Your Dream"?
How do I know when I opened my instagram's timeline there's an Austin Carlile's photo on top of others with caption that talk about perseverance? He's a rock vocalist with a lot of tattoos, neither a preacher nor a motivator.
Even this morning when I decided to spend 15 minutes reading bible references from our daily bread, the topic is about don't lose a heart to do a good deed and to keep running the race. It reminded me that a man reaps what he sows.

Coincidence? Nah, I don't think so.

So, here I am. Start counting my blessings, changing my perspective, and doing good deed to myself and others. The first blessing I want to count is, since I'm a procrastinator at its finest, with a lot of proud I announce all of you that I succeed in finishing my assignment a day before the deadline! I used to start working on it less than 3 or 4 hours before deadline.

Oh God, I think I need to have a drink to celebrate it.

Advice(s)

The most funny thing from advice is you ask one but then don't completely agree with it. You keep making some excuses to prove to yourself that all you did, and all you're going to do, are the best things for you. Well you do it in your head actually while nodding your head and saying thank you to the person you asked for advice(s). You means me in here.

One day, I decided to work out all those advices. One by one, step by step, little by little, and it's hard as hell.  I started to try those shoes, not only asking for some advices, but really work those out. There's always a time that I want to give up and back to my little messed up comfort zone. I'm good at giving advice but still an amateur to carry them out. Those advices did, and I hope will always do, give nice effect on me. They're actually didn't, or maybe haven't, change the situation the way I want, but slowly change my perspective. That's all we want to have, right? A new perspective, an inner peace. Peace that comes from your mind and your heart. Well, you can't change the wind but always can change the sail.

Actually this thought keep coming into my mind after remembered the last chat that I did with one of my friend. She's in the position like I was. I've been through that, well actually in a battle to completely through that. I was in her position, not completely same shoes because context does matter, but my shoes and her shoes are quite alike. I tried to give her an advice, well I think some advices, so she doesn't have to ended up like me. She's exactly look like me when received those advices. She asked for it but I think she didn't take it well. She just want to have a yes,more yes(es), and many yes(es), a conformity, for everything that she did and she will do. Well, my thought haven't proved yet. I cross my fingers that my thought will not be proven.

Lesson learned. For me.

So They Said

So they said, find a new hobby. Find a new activity. Free your mind. Keep practicing your talent. Change your perspective. Get out from your comfort zone. Well, I'm going to. Here I am welcoming the loooonnnnggggg holiday.

Curhat Colongan

My mind now is pretty messed up. Not my life, but sooner or later I’m sure it will. Fixing a broken heart is one of the worst and hardest job I ever know. My life, I write down everything that ever happened, is happening, and will happen, actually is quite good. I have a oh-so nice family, compare to others, or my friends that complained about their families.  I have a nice skeptic dad who almost always sees the negative side of my choices, but then agrees and defends it as long as his little girl happy. He always measures my choices from the material side, the benefit that I will get, the tangible one. Well, like money. Unfortunately, almost all choices I made always give a lot of intangible benefits. Money doesn’t fancy me. Experience and networking do. I live in Indonesia, in a patriarchy world, which is most of men here still expect her wife become a house wife. Who still believe that women are meant to serve their husbands, cook for their family, taking care of house even though they are working mom too.  My dad? He supports my mom, they share those things together and teach me and my brothers that those things are everyone’s job. In this patriarchy life, where men in my family do the shopping, cooking, and cleaning too, you can call my family an anomaly. For me we’re just different, in an unique and great way.

I have a super great mom. She’s a career and super duper active woman. I can’t write down everything that she did. I got the “money doesn’t fancy me blood line” from her. She’s so damn optimist person. I learned, well still learning actually, that patience, love, great relationship, helping people without expect anything, and do every little thing wholeheartedly are the things that matter in life. No, she’s not like Mother Theresa. She did all those things in Margaret Thatcher way. The most idealist person I’ve ever known in my life. She’s kind and bold at the same time.

I have two damn great younger brothers. The older one, well he got the optimistic and money isn’t a problem blood line from my mom. He’s the most optimist children than me and the youngest one. Actually my dad succeed in passing down his little skeptic side to me. You know what? My brother is like an oasis, an answer to my questions, when everything seems so bad. His way of thinking always fancies me. He always says how he adores my brain and my academic life. He adores my “I don’t like to study but always get good grades” life. Actually I adore him more. I think in the next 10 or 20 years he can surpassed me in everything.

How about the youngest one? Well he’s so damn creative. Unlike me, he has a great talent in singing, video games, sports, dancing, and everything that related to soft skill. He’s like dad’s mini me. Even his way of thinking. You know a person that always makes a baby smiles? That’s him. You know a person that can attracts animal around him? That’s him. You know a person that always get full of love and attention from babies to elders? That’s him. He is a person who has a soft and sensitive heart. As his oldest sibling, I’m kind of sibling that always hard on him when giving some advices. My brother is on the other side, he is better than me when handling him. When the youngest one in trouble, me and the older one will share roles, I’m the playful evil sister and he is the angel brother. We love him, that much. Actually he has more experience in love and dating than his older siblings. Damn! Shame on me!

I have so damn great cousins in the world from my mom’s big family. I always confuse when my friends talk about how oh not so close they are with their cousins. Well, so does the other hand. They confuse why we can be that close. My grandpa and grandma from my mother have 12 grand children. How close are we? Well let’s say we can spend hours for playing cards, uno, singing, talking, laughing, reading comics, watching movies or everything with no gadgets. We can ask our parents’ cousins who haven’t got married and are in their 30’s or late 20’s to take us everywhere. Go to cinema, buy some comics, eat in fancy restaurant, or everything. You named it. We make a promise, one day when we all has married, we must make a gathering once or twice a year, take a short holiday, without our spouses and children.

Friends? I have great, close, but not so many friends. I keep my circle small. I love to make a new friend and new networking, but for close friends, selective is a must. When choosing friends, I always choose to show my damn bad side first. The bitchy asshole who loves to straight to the point one, whose mouth  full of sarcasm. Some say I’m a damn arrogant bitch. Some say I’m a dominant woman, kind of woman that men will not choose to be his future partner.  Some means friends, who knows a little of me. My close friends? Well trust me, they always say they surprised when they started to know me. My resting bitch face doesn’t suit my, eumm, kind, playful, wit, humorist, and fun personality. Fufufu.

Career? I’m a postgraduate student right now. I’m a head of external division in my association and trusted to handle some event organizing project, one of them is in an international level.  Lucky me. Actually, I’m the youngest one and to be trusted in this major position to handle that kind of project is really a great gift and responsibility. I’m a damn greenhorn darling. Well, even an ex-greenhorn Old Shatterhand can be a legend along with Winnetou.

Well my life is pretty good, so why the fuck my mind is messed up? And I start to think what the hell I should complain about after wrote down those things. My family isn’t rich in material, but from what I wrote above you know how rich I am. A lot of blessed and gift I haven’t listed, because Mister lazy attacked me! It’s all because a boy! Uhuk. Yowislah.

I’m fixing a broken heart here. It’s a damn hard situation. I disabled my path account, focus on my projects, focus on my talent in drawing, focus on getting fit, focus on my grades, focus on my family, focus on my spiritual life, and focus on my life. I invest in myself. This past six months my mind is pretty messed up. I chose a wrong priority. I made a person, who didn’t and maybe still doesn’t prioritize me, become my priority. Mistreated. Misused. You named it. Last Saturday I got this message, for me it’s so damn mean. I don’t know is it because of PMS made me too sensitive at that time, or what. But one thing I know, it’s a big trigger, big snap that woke me up. Nah, I don’t like to take a revenge. I don't even think about it. You can call me a saint, well even there’s always a bitch side of me. I still believe every person has a good heart and good reason for everything that they did. Everybody made a mistake. Every mistake is only just a part of a book named relationship and I don’t want to lose or burn a book because of one mistake. Any kind of relationship. The most important thing is that big trigger helped me to realize that I need to change my focus. I still believe this is a part of His big plan for me. God has a plan. I think this is the hard way to learn how to keep away the negativity from my life before it’s drowning it. A ship can always sail as long it doesn’t let the water in. Or change it into a damn submarine and screw the water!

That’s it. I feel better now. Pardon my grammar.

Aku si pilihan

Dari mana aku harus memulainya? Aku tidak pandai merangkai kata yang indah. Tetapi perasaan ini harus diluapkan. Aku, aku si pemilik daya tarik seksual yang tinggi. Kata mereka. Aku, aku si perempuan yang mandiri. Kata mereka. Aku, aku si perempuan yang memiliki otak. Kata mereka. Aku, aku yang mudah menarik perhatian. Kata mereka.

Aku, aku si bodoh ketika jatuh cinta. Kataku. Aku, aku si bodoh yang siap dijadikan pilihan. Kataku. Aku, aku yang tak mampu mengalihkan perhatianku darinya barang sedetikpun. Kataku.

Hari itu, hampir tiga tahun yang lalu, aku yang baru saja mengumpulkan sisa-sisa harga diriku melihatnya. Dia lewat di depanku. Dia menarik perhatianku dalam sekejap. Selama dua tahun itu dia perlahan-lahan menetap dan merajai pikiranku.

Aku baru mulai mengenalnya sekitar beberapa bulan yang lalu. Mungkin kau sedang bertanya apa saja yang kulakukan selama dua tahun itu. Aku mengumpulkan keberanian. Aku memperbaiki diriku. Aku mencoba mencintai diriku sendiri kembali. Kisah yang lama terlalu sakit, bukan karena rasa cinta yang dalam. Bahkan aku tidak merasa ada rasa cinta yang dalam pada kisah sebelumnya. Akan tetapi, sakit itu muncul karena kepercayaan yang kuberikan seutuhnya dilanggar. Apa yang lebih sakit dari pada dikhianati oleh orang terdekatmu? Dua tahun itu aku belajar mempercayai diri sendiri dan orang lain.

Kali ini berbeda dari sebelumnya, namun aku belum sanggup menyatakan apakah ini cinta atau rasa penasaran. Aku kembali menjadi si bodoh. Si bodoh yang siap memberikan segalanya kepada orang yang disayanginya. Orang yang menurutnya penting. Aku melakukan apa yang tidak pernah kulakukan sebelumnya. Aku si manusia yang selalu berpikir tanpa bertindak, mulai berlaku kebalikannya.

Lalu itu terjadi lagi. Aku menjadi pilihan kedua baginya. Mungkin pilihan kedua. Bisa jadi ketiga, keempat, sesuai dengan kebutuhannya. Sesuai dengan siapa yang punya waktu untuk menemaninya. Aku melihat dia memperlakukan perempuannya berbeda denganku. Dia memperlakukan kekasihnya dengan penuh kasih sayang, bukan dengan penuh nafsu saat bersamaku. Aku menyadari bagaimana dia merasa tidak enak ketika membatalkan janji dengannya, sementara janjinya denganku dapat semudah itu dibatalkan. Kau melihat bagaimana dia meluangkan waktu, bahkan bekerja keras menyempatkan diri di sela watu sibuknya untuk bertemu dengannya. Sementara untukku? Bisa kau bayangkan sendiri. Saat itu aku berpikir semuanya terjadi karena aku baru mengenalnya, sementara dia dan kekasihnya sudah lama saling mengenal.

Lalu dia mulai mendekatiku kembali, setelah dia putus dengan kekasihnya. Di saat aku mulai mengumpulkan harga diriku kembali. Dia mulai mengingatkan janji-janji yang sebelumnya pernah kami buat. Aku terjerumus kembali di lubang yang sama, lebih parah dari keledai. Membuat janji-janji yang baru dan kembali tidak ditepati.
 

Inilah aku sekarang. Berada di persimpangan. Masih memegang harapan akan keajaiban dari kesabaran dan ketekunan, walau harga diriku terasa terinjak. Tetap bertahan menjadi pilihan sampai dia tersadar, entah kapan, bahwa hanya aku satu-satunya pilihan yang tersisa. Atau haruskah aku berhenti mencoba mengarungi lautan demi orang yang bahkan enggan melompati genangan untukku?